In the spirit of Throwback Thursday, I present the first play I ever wrote. I was 17, and it’s an exaggeration of actual events.
Please do not use without permission. Any school interested in this ridiculous show should contact me.
“The Play About Homecoming”
By Daniel Sherrier
Natalie, Corrie, Virginia, Dick, Billy, Sid
(Natalie, Corrie, and Virginia are standing downstage, looking out to the audience as they pantomime getting made-up. They put make-up on, do their hair, etc.)
Corrie: This is going to be interesting…
Natalie: So, Corrie, your date’s really 22?
Natalie: And he asked you to Homecoming?
Corrie: Yep. I guess when Virginia mentioned I didn’t have a date he felt bad and decided to be nice. It would be better if I actually knew the guy though…
Natalie: Is that even legal?
Virginia: Don’t worry. Billy seems all right. At work, he’s always really nice to me.
Natalie : And what about your date? He’s from your work, too, right? How old is he?
Virginia: Oh, Sid’s our age, but, uh, he is an…unusual person.
Virginia: You’ll see when you meet him. To be honest I didn’t really want to go with him. I mean, I’ve only known him a couple of days, but it was him or no one. Besides, I couldn’t turn him down.
Corrie: Last resort dates are so much fun! At least Natalie knows Dick.
Natalie: Yeah, that’s one guy we all know.
Virginia: Oh, it’ll all be fine. This has to be better than going by ourselves.
(Lights dim. When the lights return, the couples are seated at a table. Everyone is dressed-up nicely, except for Sid, who wears extremely bright, tacky, multi-colored clothing. Stage right of the table is the women’s restroom, and stage left is the men’s restroom. Restrooms are represented by simple signs; no sets for restrooms are necessary. At the table, there is awkward silence for a few moments.)
Billy: So…This is everyone’s senior Homecoming, heh? I remember mine. I was the star football player, and I almost single-handedly won the big game.
Corrie: (unimpressed) Did you, now?
Billy: (nostalgic) You should have seen me. It was the last quarter. We were losing by a single point until I made the play that saved the game.
(Everyone is bored by this conversation.)
Natalie: Oh, Dick, I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about paying for my dinner. I’ve got it.
Dick: Don’t worry about it, Natalie. I don’t mind paying.
Natalie: Are you sure?
Dick: Really, it’s no problem.
Corrie: Same offer, Billy. I’ll pay for my dinner.
Billy: By all means, go right ahead.
Corrie: Oh. Okay.
Sid: Dumb move there.
Sid: I can’t stand those guys who insist on paying for everything. Are they idiots? Chivalry is so pointless and outdated.
(Dick forms fists and begins to rise. Natalie grabs him and pulls him back down.)
Natalie: So, uh, where are you going to school now, Billy?
Billy: Nowhere. You see, I kind of dropped out.
Billy: Yeah, I’ve been living in my parents’ basement for the past couple of years. It’s really not that bad.
Sid: It’s free rent. Can’t beat that.
Billy: Well, I do have to deal with the spiders. I usually trap them in glass jars. I think I’ve found four or five different species down there so far.
Virginia: That’s, uh, very fascinating, Billy. (quickly turns to Sid) So, how’s it going, Sid?
Sid: Ooh, look at this…(picks up a knife and a salt shaker) Assault with a deadly weapon. (laughs at himself; Billy laughs, and everyone else cringes.)
Virginia: Aren’t you clever?
Dick: Natalie, that’s very nice perfume you’ve got on.
Natalie: Thank-you, Dick.
Sid: What’s the point of perfume?
Billy: Really. What are you girls trying to hide?
Sid: (sniffs Virginia) I’m sorry, Virginia, but that perfume just reeks. Your natural body odor must smell better than that.
Virginia: (anger escalating) It…reeks? My expensive perfume reeks?
Sid: Did I say it with a stu-stu-studder? It reeks! You sure wasted your money on that one.
Natalie: Uh, Virginia, your, uh, make-up’s smeared a little. Come with me.
(Natalie and Virginia go to the restroom. Billy stands up.)
Billy: ‘Scuse me. Nature’s calling my name, and it waits for no man.
Corrie: By all means, go.
(Billy enters restroom and walks off-stage. There’s an awkward silence at the table.)
Virginia: Tell me this isn’t happening.
Natalie: It’s only been a few minutes. I’m sure things will get better.
Virginia: You didn’t have to ride in a car with him.
Natalie: You’ve got a point there.
Sid: Hey, do you wanna see a magic trick?
Corrie: Sure, why not?
Billy: (singing from off-stage) “I believe in miracles…”
(Sid takes out a dollar bill and folds it so that it becomes upside-down.)
Virginia: He spent the entire ride telling me how much he adores the alien women on Star Trek. Natalie, he finds them attractive. The green skin, the messed-up foreheads…He says they’re hot.
Sid: Pretty cool, huh?
Dick: (flatly) That’s great, man. Really.
Natalie: I’m sorry, Virginia.
(Billy enters and looks toward the audience as if he’s looking in a mirror. He tries to act all suave and cool as he combs his hair, dances around, etc.)
Corrie: That’s an interesting outfit you’ve got there, Sid.
Sid: Thanks. I made it myself.
Virginia: What was I thinking saying yes to that guy?
Natalie: Look, things can only get better.
Corrie: You sew?
Sid: I’m captain of the Sewing Team at school. It’s a nice way to get in good with the girls, let me tell you.
Virginia: He was telling me about the magazines he reads. They’re the ones you find in the back room of the store.
Natalie: Oh, my–
Billy: Oh, yeah. Those chicks are so into us.
(Billy returns to the table.)
Natalie: Are you sure he wasn’t joking?
Virginia: He was serious.
Natalie: Ooh, that’s rough…
Virginia: What do we do?
Natalie: (thinking it over) Well…
Billy: So what’s keeping the girls?
Corrie: (really slowly, as if speaking to a young child) Make-up can be very complicated. It’s not like just having to comb your hair. It takes a lot of work and time and money. We go through a lot of effort to get made-up nice.
Sid: Make-up’s just too much trouble.
Billy: I know, and girls could be just as pretty without it, if not prettier.
(Corrie slaps her forehead.)
Dick: Oh, boy…
Natalie: I guess we’ve just gotta go back.
Natalie: We have no choice. We have to.
Virginia: All right. Let’s go.
(Natalie and Virginia return to the table.)
Sid: Do you see how long that took? Does that not prove our point?
Virginia: What point?
Dick: (looking at menu) Ooh, they have Veal Parmesan here!
Corrie: Do they? I just love Veal Parmesan!
Virginia: What point?
Natalie: (to Virginia) It’s probably better that we don’t–
Billy: Make-up’s a waste of time.
Virginia: I know you didn’t just say that.
Sid: You know we’re right.
Dick: (looking around) So where’s that waiter?
Natalie: Yeah, I’m getting kind of hungry all of a sudden…
Sid: I killed him.
(Everyone is silent for a moment. They then laugh politely.)
Corrie: Ha, ha, that’s a, uh, good one, Sid. You’re quite the wit tonight.
Sid: No, I mean it. I killed him.
(Corrie stands up.)
Corrie: I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.
Natalie: Yeah, me, too.
Virginia: I better go also.
(The three girls go to the women’s restroom. Sid gets up.)
Sid: I guess I’ll just go now, too.
(Virginia and Corrie scream silently. Natalie tries to calm them down. Sid walks over to the restroom and off-stage. Dick is very uncomfortable at the table.)
Dick: So, uh, he was kidding, right?
Billy: You never know with Sid.
(Silence for a moment, then Dick gets up.)
Dick: Excuse me.
(Dick walks into the bathroom, appearing frustrated. The girls are in a state of panic. Natalie still tries to remain optimistic but fails miserably. Billy makes paper airplanes out of the napkins or menus.)
Virginia: (overdramatic) This is a nightmare! Why won’t they serve us food? Don’t they see the torment we’re in? Have they no humanity?
Corrie: I so want to strangle those two…
Natalie: Let’s try to stay calm now…
Virginia: Stay calm? Stay calm? Natalie, they’re inhuman!
(Dick pantomimes washing his hands.)
Corrie: I say we make a run for it!
Natalie: We can’t just leave Dick!
(Sid enters and walks past Dick without washing his hands. Dick notices and over-reacts by looking at the sink, then Sid, then the sink, then Sid, etc. He holds his hands up and stares at them.)
Dick: Oh, no…Virginia!
(Sid high-fives Billy.)
Billy: This is going so well!
Sid: We’ve got a great night ahead of us!
Billy: Oh, yeah!
Corrie: That’s true! Dick’s all alone with those guys!
Virginia: He’ll be fine.
(Dick pantomimes peaking out the bathroom door.)
Dick: (whiny) What’s keeping them? I don’t want to be alone with those guys! (suddenly very concerned and overdramatic) Did they…gulp!…leave? Did they abandon me to those freaks?
Billy: That Virginia’s pretty hot stuff, isn’t she?
Sid: (drooling) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Dick: Blast it! (paces around restroom) Do they want me to suffer?
(Dick hesitantly creeps out of the bathroom and returns to the table, uncomfortable.)
Dick: (looking at Sid’s hands) Uh……hey.
Natalie: Do you think he really killed the waiter?
Virginia: There’s no way he killed the–
Corrie: Wait a second…I remember hearing someone cry out in pain as we were coming in.
Dick: So, uh, how’s it going?
Billy: It’s going.
Virginia: They were probably reacting to Sid’s B.O..
Natalie: Oh, that’s a foul stench.
Virginia: You should smell his car.
Corrie: You know, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen very many people at all in this restaurant.
Natalie: That’s true. It’s very barren.
(Sid and Billy eye Dick in a predator-like fashion. Each one puts an arm around him, getting really close. The girls think the situation over.)
Billy: (psychotic) High school’s fun, isn’t it, Dickie? (inches over to Dick) You get to be king of the world in high school, and then it all gets snatched away at graduation.
Dick: (looking around; weakly) Natalie?…Where are you?
Corrie: (very concerned) This is probably how they wanted it! They picked a quiet restaurant that wouldn’t be very crowded…
Virginia: (freaked-out) …So they would have…quality…time with…us…in a close…intimate…setting.
(Virginia runs off-stage and sounds like she’s throwing up. Natalie and Corrie cringe. Sid pours some salt on Dick’s head.)
Natalie: Ooh…That didn’t sound too good.
Dick: So, uh, life peaked a little early, did it? (Billy looked unamused. Sid plays with his knife.) Kidding! Heh! Heh.
Sid: This is a nice, sharp knife here…
(Corrie and Natalie go to the edge of the stage to check on Virginia.)
Billy: Hey, Sid, watch this.
(Virginia enters, feeling queasy.)
Virginia: That was not pleasant.
(Billy flings his spoon across the stage. He and Sid laugh hysterically.)
Sid: Awesome! Let me try!
(Sid fiddles around with his spoon.)
Dick: This is pathetic…
Corrie: Are you sure you’re going to be all right, Virginia?
Virginia: Yeah, I think I’ll be fine.
Sid: Beat this! Behind the back!
Natalie: Then we better get back. We’ve probably been gone too long.
(Natalie walks to the “door” of the bathroom and prepares to open it up. Sid motions toward the men’s restrooms.)
Sid: Hey, what’s that?
Natalie:(opening door) Are you sure you’re all right?
(Sid turns around and throws his spoon towards the women’s restroom, accidentally hitting Virginia.)
Virginia: I’m fi–(The spoon strikes her in the head.) Ouch! (In pain, she moves backward.) Oh, man, that hu–(She trips and falls off-stage. Crashing sound.) OW!
Corrie: That really didn’t sound good.
Billy: Where’d the spoon go?
Sid: I don’t know. I’ve lost sight of it.
Natalie: Go check on her. I’ll…(motions to table, cringing)
Corrie: Good luck.
(Natalie mentally prepares herself and then walks over to the table. Dick gets her chair for her.)
Dick: (extremely relieved to see her) Natalie!
Sid: Where are the other two stooges?
Natalie: Their…mascara’s all messed up. Water has that effect on it.
Natalie: Yes, little drops of water running down their faces.
Sid: How’d that happen? Did something spill on them?
(Natalie sighs and sits down.)
Natalie: Never mind. Did I miss anything?
(Billy pats Dick on the back.)
Billy: Oh, nothing much. We and our good buddy Dick were having a grand old time, weren’t we, Dickie?
(Sid leaps up from his seat, excitedly. He points upstage.)
Sid: Look! Do ya…Do ya see that? They have a buffet!
Billy: I wanna get me some of that!
(Billy and Sid exit.)
Dick: Oh, man, Natalie, where did they find those losers? They are an insult to guys across the country! If I ever become anything like either one of them, shoot me and put me out of my misery!
Natalie: If you ever do become anything like that…I will. Don’t worry.
Dick: For a moment there, I thought they were going to attack me or something! They’re psychotic! And that Sid guy, when he left the restroom, he did not wash his hands!
Natalie: He didn’t wash his hands?
Dick: He walked right by the sink.
Natalie: Poor Virginia.
Dick: Where are they? Are they still in the restroom?
Natalie: Virginia…had a little accident.
Natalie: She tripped and fell backwards.
(Corrie and Virginia walk back on stage with Corrie supporting a very weak Virginia. At the table, Natalie and Dick act like they’re still talking.)
Corrie: Are you sure you’re going to be all right, Virginia?
Virginia: (delirious) Y-yeah…(looks around) Wait a second…Where are we?
Corrie: Our Homecoming dinner.
Virginia: With our dream dates, right?
Corrie: Uh…Come here…
(Corrie pantomimes opening the restroom door. She points downstage.)
Corrie: See those two guys over at the buffet?
(Sid and Billy enter and walk along the front of the stage, pantomiming picking up food from a buffet and putting it onto their plates. Corrie and Virginia cringe as they watch.)
Billy: You know, man, I feel really bad for that Natalie girl. I mean, she has to put up with that boring loser all night long.
Sid: I know. Poor thing. Ooh, they’ve got garlic bread! (takes a bite out of imaginary garlic bread) She would’ve been much happier with either one of us. Too bad for her we can only have one date.
Billy: Imagine, having to spend your senior Homecoming with someone you can’t stand.
Sid: We need to figure out some way to get him out of the picture.
Billy: Hmm… (laughs as he gets an idea)
Corrie: Those are our dates.
(Billy and Sid exit stage left. Virginia faints.)
(Corrie tries to revive Virginia.)
Natalie: I’m really starting to get concerned now. I think I better go check on them.
(Dick looks over his shoulders, upstage, nervous.)
Dick: But…they’re coming back!
Natalie: I’ll be really quick!
(Natalie gets up. She goes over to the restroom and reacts to seeing that Virginia fainted. She helps Corrie try to revive her by splashing water on her face, fanning her, etc. At the table, Dick is very frustrated.)
Dick: They haven’t even taken our orders yet…
(Billy and Sid enter and stand over Dick.)
Billy: Hey, Dickie. Your girl leave again?
Dick: Yeah, she went to go check on Corrie and Virginia.
Billy: Have you noticed how she keeps running to the restroom?
Dick: Uh, yeah, I’ve noticed.
Sid: Hmm…Why would that be?
Dick: (sarcastic) I wonder…
Billy: How about we show you?
(Sid kicks Dick’s chair out from under him. Billy lifts Dick over his shoulders.)
Dick: Um, What’re you–(They bring him over to the restroom. He struggles weakly and to no avail.) Uh, I don’t think this is–Hey!
(In the restroom, Sid restrains Dick’s arms as Billy punches Dick in the stomach repeatedly. Meanwhile, Corrie and Natalie continue their efforts to revive Virginia.)
Corrie: She’s not waking up!
Natalie: Virginia! We need you!
Virginia: (very weakly) Wha…
Corrie: She’s awake!
(Virginia slowly sits up.)
Virginia: This–This is all really happening, isn’t it? This is our Homecoming dinner, and we’re trapped with a pair of obnoxious cavemen…
Natalie: Stay with us, Virginia!
(Sid and Billy carry a beaten Dick off-stage. Virginia stands up.)
Virginia: I think I’m fine now…
Corrie: Are you sure?
Virginia: I’ll survive.
(The girls walk over to the table. Natalie and Corrie are immediately concerned when they find that no one is there. Virginia is relieved.)
Virginia: Are they gone? Are they really gone?
Corrie: We couldn’t possibly be that lucky.
Natalie: But where’s Dick?
(Billy and Sid enter into men’s restroom.)
Billy: Haven’t done that in a while.
Sid: That was fun.
(They walk over to the table and sit down.)
Billy: They’ve returned at long last!
(Sid holds Virginia’s hands. Virginia coughs at his bad breath.)
Sid: We were starting to get concerned.
(Natalie stares at Sid’s hands and squeals in horror.)
Billy: Something wrong?
Natalie: Uh…no. Um, was Dick with you guys?
Sid: Dick wasn’t feeling well all of a sudden.
Natalie: Wasn’t feeling well?
Billy: No. He was having…stomach problems.
(Billy and Sid look at each other and laugh.)
Virginia: What did you do to Dick?
Sid: (unconvincing) You think we did something to him?
Billy: What would make you think that?
(Billy and Sid begin pigging out on their food.)
Natalie: Virginia! What’s wrong with you tonight? Your make-up’s smeared again!
Sid: Yeah, it does look terrible.
Natalie: Come with me.
(Natalie drags Virginia back to the bathroom.)
Billy: I just had a thought…This chicken we’re eating used to be alive. Isn’t that just freaky?
Natalie: Those two did something to Dick.
Virginia: Obviously, but what could they have done?
Natalie: Well, they were coming out of the bathroom…
Sid: Yeah, this did used to be alive, didn’t it? Oh, well. You know, Corrie, you can go over and get some.
Corrie: Uh, no thanks. I’ll just wait.
Natalie: I should probably go in there and make sure he’s all right.
Virginia: Into the men’s restroom? Are you crazy?
Natalie: We don’t know what those guys are capable of.
(Billy attempts to resuscitate the chicken.)
Billy: Let me just make sure it’s really dead.
Virginia: Going into the guy’s restroom? Natalie, you are the bravest girl I have ever known.
Billy: Come on, chicken! Don’t let me down!
Natalie: Thank-you. Oh, Virginia, there’s something you should know…Dick told me that Sid didn’t wash his hands after he was done in the restroom.
Virginia: (horrified) You’re–You’re kidding. Please tell me you’re kidding.
(Billy gives up resuscitating the chicken.)
Billy: I think we’ve lost him.
Corrie: Isn’t that a shame?
Natalie: I’m sorry, Virginia.
(Virginia looks at her hands that Sid touched. She starts to cry a little. Then she screams for a few seconds. Everyone at the table reacts to it.)
Billy: Whoa, someone’s having some problems.
Sid: Must be that time of month.
Corrie: Where’s the waiter? For the love of–
Virginia: I want to cry…
Natalie: Take a few moments and let it all out. I really need to go check on Dick.
Virginia: (tearful) Go ahead. I’ll–I’ll be all right.
(Natalie sneaks upstage and carefully and slowly walks around the back, trying not to be seen. Virginia goes downstage to the imaginary sink and pantomimes the act of thoroughly washing her hands.)
Virginia: Why couldn’t a decent guy have asked me out? Was that too much to ask?
Billy: Oh, Corrie, I had a little question I’ve been wanting to ask you…
Billy: Virginia’s got the hots for me, doesn’t she? C’mon. You can say it.
(Natalie stops for a second.)
Natalie: I know I didn’t just hear that…
Corrie: Well…I’m not so sure…
Sid: Because she’s into me, right?
(Natalie stops again.)
Natalie: What? These guys are delusional!
Billy: (looking around) Did somebody just say something?
Billy: All right.
(Natalie covers her face and quickly sneaks over to the invisible door of the men’s restroom.)
Virginia: (becoming extremely irate) Those jerks have ruined my Homecoming! My senior Homecoming!
(Natalie braces herself before entering the men’s restroom.)
Natalie: Dick better appreciate this.
(She enters and looks around.)
Sid: So anyway, Corrie, Virginia can’t wait to get some of me, can she?
Natalie: Now this is interesting…and disgusting.
Corrie: Well…since you put it like that…
(Virginia barges out of the restroom and explodes at them. She slaps Sid.)
Virginia: Barbarian! Have you ever heard of hygiene?
Sid: Hy what?
Natalie: Wow. I had no idea…Where’s the toilet paper?
Virginia: Both of you are insults to the human race!
(Virginia shoves Billy out of his chair.)
Natalie: Dick? Dick? Anybody seen Dick in here?
(Dick moans from off-stage.)
Dick: Over–over here…
Virginia: You should be shot and hanged!
(Corrie stands up and tries to restrain her.)
Natalie: I’ m about to go where no woman has gone before. I should be given a medal for this…
(She walks off-stage into the stall.)
Virginia: Do you have any idea what freaks you are?
Natalie: Dick! Oh, my goodness!
(Corrie drags Virginia over to the restroom.)
Corrie: Virginia! Control yourself!
Sid: She is so into us.
Billy: Ha! Tell me about it!
(Virginia is still seething.)
Corrie: Take deep breaths…
(Natalie enters with Dick, who’s severely beaten. His clothing is all messed-up, and he has a black eye as well other bruises.)
Natalie: Dick, what happened?
Dick: Almost had ‘em…
Natalie: Sure you did. That’s it. We’re leaving. We’re not going through any more of this.
Dick: No! We can’t just run away! Not after that!
(Billy and Sid sword fight with the knives.)
Corrie: Think positive thoughts…
Virginia: Hmm…There aren’t many witnesses around…
Billy: Hey, where’d that Natalie girl disappear off to?
Sid: She’s probably admiring us from afar.
Natalie: Look, take a moment to fix yourself up a little. You look awful. I’ll go back to Corrie and Virginia.
Dick: All right.
(Natalie quickly walks over to the table. She stops short as she realizes that only the two guys are there.)
(She starts to turn around. The guys see her.)
Billy: Hey, Natalie! There you are, girl!
(Natalie inaudibly curses to herself. She turns back around and tries to act pleasant.)
Natalie: Hi. (sits back down at the table) So Dick got really sick, did he?
Billy: You should have seen him. (laughs then abruptly catches himself and stops) He was in terrible shape.
(Dick looks toward the audience as if he’s looking in a mirror. He tries to act in a tough guy fashion.)
Dick: You want a piece of me?
Corrie: Now we can’t hide out here forever, Virginia.
Virginia: Fine. We’ll go back.
Corrie: Are you sure you won’t explode at them again?
Virginia: I’ll try, but if they do something else, I can’t promise anything.
Corrie: Sounds fair. (Corrie and Virginia return to the table.) Sorry about that, guys.
Billy: Oh, it’s no problem. Reminds me of something that happened at my junior Prom…
(As Dick speaks aloud, Billy tells his story in a silent fashion. Everyone except Sid looks bored to tears.)
Dick: I’m gonna go out there, and I’m gonna walk up to those ba…bad people, and I’m gonna tell ‘em off. (starts punching the air) Then I’m gonna give ‘em one from the left, and one from the ri–(arm recoils in pain) Ow! That smarts! (resumes tough guy tone) I’m gonna teach ‘em a lesson! I’ll make ‘em wish they never messed with us! Yeah!
(Dick storms out to the table. By this point, the girls had all been falling asleep. They snap back awake as Dick arrives in his severely beaten state.)
Billy: …And then we did something really funny…
Corrie, Virginia: Dick!
Billy, Sid: Dick? (uncomfortable) Oh…Dick. Heh, heh…
Dick: (gathering up his courage to yell at them) Now listen here, you…people…you. I’ve got something I’ve got to tell you guys…(Dick gets ready to curse them out, but then Billy stands up and stares down at him, intimidating him.)…I think I left my headlights on. I’m gonna go outside and turn them off. Anyone want to take the walk with me?
Virginia, Natalie, Corrie: (quickly and enthusiastically, as they jump to their feet) I WILL!
Billy: (starting to stand up) Then I guess we might as well come along, too.
Corrie: Oh, well we can’t all leave. They, uh, might give our table to someone else.
Natalie: Right! You two better stay here!
(Billy sits back down.)
Billy: Well, all right.
(Dick, Corrie, Natalie, and Virginia start to rush upstage.)
Sid: Hurry back! You wouldn’t want to miss out on some major cuddling, now would you?
Dick: And, uh, we wouldn’t want my battery to die, right?
Natalie: Exactly! Let’s go!
(They exit as fast as possible, leaving Sid and Billy by themselves. They’re silent for a moment.)
Billy: They’ll be back.
Sid: Of course. They can’t get enough of us.
(The sound of a car’s tires screeching is heard.)
Billy: You know, on second thought, they might not be coming back.
(Sid explodes into a fury and knocks a bunch of stuff off the table. He pounds his fists on the table.)
Sid: Nooo! We were so close! We would’ve had them, too, if not for that pesky geek!
Billy: (sighs) Just like in high school…